Could it be any harder
by velja
Summary: This short songfic takes place at the end of Chosen. It contains Buffy's thoughts after Sunnydale is destroyed and Spike is gone. She finally allows her feelings for Spike to come to the surface.


**Could it be any harder**

by velja

Setting: Post "Chosen"

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Neither Spike nor Buffy belongs to me...

Pairing: Buffy/Spike

Summary: This little songfic contains Buffy's thoughts about Spike after the end. When the bus stops and they all stand watching the remains of Sunnydale. Written in Buffy's POV of cause.

Song: "Could it be any harder" written and performed by "The Calling"

I'd never thought it would end like this. To tell the truth, I'd never thought it would actually end at all. I'd never thought you would end.

Okay, that's so not true. I'm not stupid. I knew that someday you would eventually have to die. And in our first years? Well, killing you myself was what I wanted. But later...

...I'd never thought it would be me, the one of us to survive the other. That I would have to live without you someday. My life has been on the stake for so many years, why should it be different this time? Why should I have to go on and you...not?

It shouldn't have ended like this.

_You left me with goodbye and open arms_

_A cut so deep I don't deserve_

_You were always invincible in my eyes_

_The only thing against us now is time_

_Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you_

_Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true_

_If I only had one more day_

There's so much I still wanna tell you, so much you deserve to finally hear.

Well, but I've never been good at words. Oh, no! That's not true. I've always been talking. I've been talking about duty and slaying and being strong and standing together. But I never talked about...us.

Even now that you're gone I struggle with words. I close my eyes and see your face before me. But...

_I lie down and blind myself with laughter_

_A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing_

_And how I wish that I could turn back the hours_

_But I know I just don't have the power_

Oh, how I wish I could talk to you now! You were always there to listen. You were there when I was mocking, when I was shouting, when I was laughing, when I was crying, when I was complaining, when I was resigning…

_Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you_

_Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true_

_If I only had one more day_

_I'd jump at the chance_

_We'd drink and we'd dance_

_And I'd listen close to your every word_

_As if it's your last, well I know it's your last_

_Cause today, oh, you're gone_

Oh, if I'd known these past few days were our last. Our last few moments of peace. The night in the abandoned house, our moments in the kitchen, our night in the basement. Oh, I wish I'd said all the things I wanted to say to you.

Yeah, well, you're right. I did say something. In the kitchen I said you gave me the strength to get the scythe. And it's true. You gave me strength, you were my strength.

And down in the crater I said that I loved you. And you...you didn't believe me, did you?

No, and you had all the right to not believe me. I don't say that you were right, because you weren't. I did love you then and I do love you now. But it's not enough, is it? It's never enough just to love.

I should have made you believe me, I should have shown. I should have spoken sooner, and louder! Well, Spike, can you hear me now? I LOVE YOU!

_Could it be any harder, could it be any harder_

_Could it be any harder to live my life without you_

_Could it be any harder, I'm all alone, I'm all alone_

_Like sand on my feet_

_The smell of sweet perfume_

_You stick to me forever_

_And I wish you didn't go_

_I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away_

_To touch you again _

_With life in your hands _

_It couldn't be any harder...harder...harder_

I try not to cry when I think about you. It's hard but somehow it works. You wouldn't want me to cry for you, would you? Well, perhaps a bit, a few tears. But then you would come close to me. You would reach out your hand and wipe away the tears with a soft touch. And you would say: "Stop crying, Slayer. I'm just a bloody vampire who tries for once in his long unlife to do what's right. Do not spoil my hero-playing with your sweet tears, I don't deserve that!"

And you would be right, you do deserve much better than my tears. Or my love. You deserve everything.

And I would give it to you, if we only had one more day!

END


End file.
